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Sharky gets in touch with his feminine side

    By Contributing Writers. October 24, 2011 - 6:36 pm

Greetings fellow students!

My flawless physique, overwhelming school spirit and unchanging yet still inviting smile has even the hunkiest of you checking me out on campus.

I’m a bit of a celebrity around HPU, and the school has been known to literally roll out the red carpet for my arrival at campus events. Students go along with it, building on my already inflated delusion of personal fame.

As Sharky the mascot, high-fives, dance-battles and glamor-shots are endless — making me feel like the center of a celebrity scene fit for that of Elizabeth II, or the queen herself – Lady Gaga.

As the first official Sharky Girl, getting used to my jaws-inspired, Ryan Renolds’ body has been quite the adventure.

Many of you may have likely noticed that I am working out the gender-bending kinks of transition to my newly acquired alter-ego. Although guidance from my veteran male co-shark is useful, his knowledge regarding drag-performances is not up to par.

Fortunately, I’ve never had a particularly bombshelle, body and for once it has come in handy.

My boyish figure has ensured that fitting into the suit does not pose as a problem.

However, my pre-teen chest has led to a lifetime of making sure all of my movements as overtly dainty and feminine.

Regardless of hours spent in front of the mirror practic-ing my Schwarzenegger, my flexing resembles that of a heavy-set Kirk from the cast of Glee.

Luckily, most of you embrace Sharky letting his more “fabulous” side out, or are too star-struck by his D-list celebrity status to notice my occasional heel-pops and Tyra Banks Top-Model poses. Either way, thanks for playing along.

Most fans don’t realize it, but as Sharky, I develop a unique, personal bond with each person. I like to think that we get about as close as we can, considering one of us is in a muted state and lacking adequate finger quantity to properly grasp a pen.

 Without verbal or written word, interacting with you all is an obvious challenge. Often my attempts to communicate a thought are mistaken as a modest replication of Beyonce’s Single Ladies video.

Although I go along with it, imagine communicating everything you need to say through a game of charades. Now replace your body with that of someone twice your size and of a different species! The result is chaos.

One innocent game of rock-paper-scissors is a fin and tooth away from being mistaken for a bump-and-bite shark attack.

When I’m not accidently attacking you at school events or experimenting with Sharky’s gender identity, you might know me personally or see me around campus.

If we’re friends I’m the one who never can go to school events and has an increasingly ridiculous excuse each time. (You’re right, it was odd that I went to four fish funerals and only had two pet fish).

If you don’t know me, I’m likely that girl that you’ve dubbed with “creeper status” and warned your friends about. The problem is that I can’t remember who I’ve met as myself or my marine-inhabiting alias.

 Therefore my warm and inviting wave, which normally works wonders as Sharky, is viewed as severe boundary-cross that many of you stick up your nose at.

You could be sticking your nose up at me because I’m a weirdo or because I smell.

Likely it’s both, unless you’re a mouth-breather, there is no denying that there are very few smells comparable to that of the mascot suit/torture chamber.

After finishing an event, I ensure that I retain a 5-foot radius for the safety and comfort of the public, as the stench can easily knock out a weak stomach.

The suit is shared by two people and is only funded to be washed once a month. Since the whole thing is padded it gets really hot in there and ten minutes is equivalent to half-hour sauna session.

As a girly-girl I try to cope. No matter how much Lysol or potpourri doused, nothing erases the feeling that I’m stepping into a giant, smelly sneaker.

Despite the obvious hygiene concerns, I enjoy the perks and secret life of being the official Sea Warrior.

I’m excited to boost the school and students’ objectives and will commit to trying to put a smile on all of your faces.

If any student organization would like Sharky to help them out, don’t be afraid to contact Student Life. Thanks for being a great place to shark it up.

Sharkette out!   XOXO

HPU Mascot